It feels impossible for me to sit down and say what I want to say. I cut my words. Embarrassed by their lackluster. Their femininity. Their confusion. These struggling words that have been on the minds of so many women.
You’ve trained me to speak in tongues. To limit my conversation to sex, power, manipulation. You trained me for these things, because of their promising success. Because of the way it made you feel. Because of the way I made you feel.
I would be smart. I would have everything I ever wanted at my fingertips. You stressed this point like nothing else. You laid out the guidebook so I wouldn’t be led astray by those other people in my life. Those friends. Those lovers. Those family members.
It’s like you took this warm light. This innocence that grew so hopeful for the future. For her future. Delighted by the brief encounters where she brushed up against something that made her feel so full. Vulnerable. Daring. Sexy. Something she couldn’t describe to another person yet. Something she didn’t have the words for yet. You took this feeling and multiplied it by 10 so she couldn’t resist. You fed into that quality until you created a monster.
Curiosity got the best of her. She underestimated all that you saw in her. You picked at the parts you liked and paid no attention to the parts that were of no use to you. Congratulations. You got that girl.
You got that girl. But just for a little while. As I sit here now, writing this fucking ode to you, my asshole friend, I understand that you are just a speck in my past. You polluted my thoughts and controlled my actions. But only for a little while. I’m reclaiming ownership of myself now. I know this is mine.
So the next time you think to reach out to me, because there is something on your mind. Something driving you crazy. Something you just have to say… Something like… “Listen, I have to tell you. I’ve never worked with anyone as talented as you. Ever. I have never lost so much, as I have when I lost your friendship.”
Cry me a fucking river. And keep that shit to yourself.
breannaguiffre 